When sleep evades you

A big focus of my blog throughout the years has been the state of my mental health. It’s had its ups and downs and lately it’s been a little less stable than I would like it to be, but I feel like it’s slowly going on an upwards trajectory again. I was actually feeling pretty decent for most of last week. I was ready for a slow week at my job since the fourth year students have their exam week and I was not scheduled to be present at any of those. Now, by the title of this post you might have guessed that things don’t stay great. I got a message on Sunday evening, pretty late into the evening as well, if I could come in early after all since several coworkers had called in sick.

Reluctantly I said yes, because as much as I’m not happy with this, if I call in sick I expect someone to take over for my important shifts too, it comes with the job. I even talked to a coworker later that day who implied that not everyone was willing to show up on such short notice so that puts me in a good light, and we like it when something puts me in a good light. This did mean that instead of getting up at eight, having an hour or two at home to prepare my lessons without having to worry about the business of a school building, I now had to get up before seven and hurry through my day. 

Now I’ve had problems with sleeping for many years now. When stress gets high, I struggle really bad to fall asleep. I’ve noticed that the night before my week at teaching starts, I sleep extra poorly. I had similar problems when I did business economics, so it’s not the teaching that’s the problem per se. Having my schedule switched up at the last moment causes me a lot of stress, especially if it also includes less sleep. So naturally I went to bed a little bit earlier than I had planned in the hopes of getting a good night’s rest. Spoiler alert: I did not get a good night’s rest at all.

I did a bit of googling and it’s told me that it takes four days to recover from a night without sleep. If you miss a night of sleep every week that’s not very good for your energy levels, now is it? Well it definitely doesn’t feel very good right now. I’m struggling to even keep my eyes open at the moment. Luckily your body will adapt and while I was at work it compensated for the missing energy with reserves. I had to teach a lesson on climate change protests today (Monday). It actually went rather well. I was a bit disappointed in the lack of differing opinions, but the kids made up for it by very clearly explaining their opinions. That’s difficult to do at their level, so I was quite pleased with them. Putting that aside, I did fine while I was there, and even on the way home it wasn’t all that bad. But now that I’m back at home and waiting until it’s time to go to bed, I can feel my brain just slowly collapsing in on itself.

That’s kind of the big problem I’ve had with autism for a long time. Can I function reasonably on my limited energy? Definitely, I can push myself through a work week if I need to. But what kind of life is it when you spend all your free time collapsed on a couch with no real energy to do anything. Even listening to a podcast feels like a drag right now, let alone writing a post. I suppose ranting about the problem at hand makes it easier to write, but I couldn’t imagine myself working on The Hesitant Hero or an anime review right now. This is also why I spent a few years not really writing. When I worked in an office I just didn’t have the mental energy to do anything creative. Working full weeks just kills my creativity and that’s an awful feeling. I’ve always said that if no one ever really thinks my stories are all that great, the act of writing them is bringing me great satisfaction on its own. Losing that kind of kills my positivity so I need to find a lifestyle in which I can write a bunch. Whether that’s through selling books for a living or finding a job that leaves me with enough energy to write on the side as a hobby.

As for right now, I’m going to finish this post and get it ready for tomorrow. I’m listening to the NF song; Hope, to keep me motivated. Great song by the way, give it a listen if you like powerful rap music. Then on Wednesday my break starts, so I’m looking forward to that. If you’ve made it this far into my rant, thank you so much for your time! Leave a like if you enjoy this kind of content and think it’s interesting, and if you don’t, well, I suppose don’t leave a like then. I’m not your boss. But either way, thanks for reading!

Sneaky edit:
It’s now Tuesday evening. I’ve had a long day at school today. I had to watch over exams for a little over three hours, straight into hallway duty, teaching and then marking exams. We all know these days (and weeks) are part of the job, but I don’t think I’ve been this tired in a very, very long time. Don’t get me wrong, I had an alright day today, which kind of surprised me, but is really nice considering it’s the last day before a break. It’s also my dad’s birthday so I am now living off of the sugar that was in our cake. Anyway, I just wanted to check in and end this post on a bit of a positive note. Which I can’t say about my students’ grade, they butchered the shit out of that exam. I suppose not learning for a vocab exam is not the smartest of ideas. Good night folks.

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