I’ve mentioned this before, but I’m not a big fan of the heat. I’ve always been more attuned with fall and winter and even early spring, but summer has never been my thing. I wonder what caused all of that. When I was younger, it was kind of nice to be able to play outside late with my friends because it stayed light longer, but as I got older and the globe started heating up, my dislike for summer became more and more prominent. It’s got everything I don’t like. Heat, mosquitoes and lots of light. I thrive when I get to sit under a blanket with a hot cup of coffee and read my books with the lights on. None of that is really possible in summer, at least not in a way that I get comfortable. At least I bought a portable AC a few years ago.

If you didn’t know, a lot of houses in our part of Europe (Netherlands) are built in such a way that they’re really good at trapping heat. Historically we’ve had more trouble with the cold from winter than any heat from summer. I feel like reaching 30c weather was crazy when I was growing up but now we get at least 2 or 3 heatwaves each summer. So with that in mind, air conditioning is not very common here. Or at the very least it wasn’t very common until the last few years. Looking out of my window, I see more and more neighbors with air conditioning units installed or with their portable ones hanging out the window. It helps a lot in the short-term but it’s too loud to keep it on at night so it’ll quickly heat back up again. 

Anyway, I think the biggest issue that I have with summer is how lethargic it all makes me feel. I have a long history of feeling depressed and struggling with anxiety and a big result of that is not really feeling like you have the energy to do the things you like to do. Summer can sometimes give me a similar feeling, which obviously isn’t very pleasant. Of course there’s also good moments in summer, and it’s not all sadness and boredom, but it does creep up on you from time to time, leaving you wondering what all the fuss is about.

I also don’t like going on holiday. Part of this is due to the general anxiety that traveling to an unfamiliar place gives me, but I think that hidden behind all that is something a little bit deeper. I’m no therapist but I did see one every other week for over a decade, so I know a thing or two about mental health. When I was younger, I of course didn’t have my autism diagnosis yet which meant that my parents and I had no way of knowing why I reacted so strongly to certain situations. This included holidays, where my parents often wanted to do things while I wanted to just relax and do as little as possible. I hadn’t figured out yet that a part of this was my anxiety and thus I was forced to come along. I was a child after all. This ended up resulting in several traumatic experiences that I’ve only recently begun to understand the ramifications of. I think this also doesn’t help my feelings with summer.

Lastly, one thing I always do is feel like I’m wasting my time off. I function much better while I have work distracting me. This is also why I would hate to be unemployed for a long time. I think this is true for many people, but having time that you can’t spend on yourself makes the time you have for yourself much better. Having a job you like can leave you fulfilled while still having the energy for your hobbies. Of course the balance of this all is complicated and the fact that the economy seems to be in a precarious spot right now isn’t helping with any of that. I’m still carefully looking into apartments and it’s a depressing activity. I can find something super small for way too much money and that’s about it. Seriously, everything has requirements. Some places are only for seniors, others are only for people under 30 and the vast majority is for at least two people. I’m not going to get a roommate, at that point I might as well stay at home with my dad. That’s a roommate I’m used to after all. I already pay for stuff and do much of the household chores anyway, so I would be moving into a smaller place with another person and spending way more money on it. Sounds like a pretty bad deal to me.

But I am getting older. I’m turning 34 soon and I do feel like I want to move out within a handful of years. Still living with your parents when you’re 30 was unheard of when I was growing up and if someone did it they were seen as strange. Now it’s becoming more and more common. My coworker’s stepson had to move back in recently and he’s my age. It’s just an economy in which it’s hard to stand on your own two feet if you’re not making a lot of money. I’d rather be well prepared by the time I move out than do something rash and have to move back in later. That sounds awful for everyone involved. And in the meantime I can keep saving money. That way when I do move out, I can at least get all the furniture I want, go on holiday to Japan at some point and make sure I have enough in reserves that a small setback won’t send me into debt. I know how difficult it was for my parents when I was younger to keep their heads above the water and that’s a situation I’d very much like to avoid. Luckily I’m blessed that my father would gladly let me live with him for as long as I want, but I still sometimes feel the societal pressure that it’s “weird” to live with your parents at my age. Not that anyone ever actually says this, but I think that they think it and that’s enough.

Man, this turned into a hell of a rant about all sorts of things. I guess I wanted to get some of this stuff off my mind, so if you’re still reading this, I appreciate you. As for this blog, I’m going to take it easy for a few weeks. I have some pretty easy posts planned for the Tuesdays:

• Ancient Magus Bride Volume 19 Recap
• Ancient Magus Bride Volume 20 Recap
• Talking about video games
• Ancient Magus Bride Volume 22 Recap

By the time I’ve posted all of those, it’ll be near the end of September and hopefully I’ll be on schedule with my Hesitant Hero chapters by then and will have some more time to write other things. For now, alongside the posts mentioned above, you can still expect a Tensura recap and Hesitant Hero chapter each week, as long as everything goes well. I’ve already finished this week’s chapter at least, so that’s a good sign. Thanks for reading!